Encyclopedia of Random Thoughts, Volume II

Encyclopedia of Random Thoughts, Volume II

Batman Begins: Over the weekend, there was quite a bit of smoke in the air due to wildfires in Minnesota and Canada. My 13-year-old thought that was a boring explanation and offered an alternative theory: What if a madman had released a hallucinogenic substance into the water supply so when the water vaporized the substance would cover the city in a fog that would drive people crazy. Unbeknownst to me, she was just describing the plot of Batman Begins.

Beastie Boys: I like listening to the album Check Your Head while I’m taking my walks. It makes me feel like I’m in a movie; a really boring movie about a woman walking.

Boo Radley: We have a four-year-old neighbor named Evie who has struck up a friendship with our nine-year-old daughter. Now, every so often when we get home, we find little gifts by our back door; a picture Evie colored in preschool, a ball, a plastic St. Patrick’s Day bowler hat. She’s like our own little Boo Radley.

Crayons: My daughter brought home this activity sheet the other day. Is it just me or do these crayons look an awful lot like condoms?

crayons

Library Books: I currently have eight books checked out from the library. I don’t want to read any of them. I just keep checking out new ones hoping one will stick.

Mr. Cola: I recently saw a car with the license plate “MR COLA.” I wondered who this Mr. Cola was. Was he the heir to a cola empire? Or was he just a man who really liked cola, and if so, would he drink other types of soda or only cola? Would he turn down a lemon-lime? The I wondered if maybe there was a “MR PIBB” out there. Or a “DR PEPPER.” And why are there no feminine sodas? Why couldn’t it be “Ms. Fresca?” Then I had to wonder if it was sexist of me to think Dr. Pepper was a man. Then I realized I should focus less on sodas and license plates and more on driving. See also,  Sexy Bitch Edition.

Nine: My youngest daughter is nine. The great thing about have a nine-year-old is she will happily make my bed if I pay her a quarter.

Sexy Bitch Edition: On my way into work a couple of weeks ago, I followed a car into the parking garage with an emblem that said “Sexy Bitch Edition.” At first, I thought this was a real thing. The car looked pretty ordinary from the outside so I wondered what made it “sexy” and “bitchy.” Maybe the it had leopard print upholstery? When I sat down at my desk I researched it and was disappointed to find out that it was just a magnet you could order online. The rest of the day, however, when I walked through the skywalk to get lunch or run an errand I would eye the other women walking and wonder “Is she the sexy bitch?” See also, Mr. Cola.

Spring Pictures: I love the spring photos at my kids’ school. We usually forget about them until the day of, so they go to school wearing whatever they want. Also, my kids know I won’t order them, so they don’t take them very seriously. This makes for more natural photos. This year is a great example. Never has a school photo summed up my 13-year-old the way this one does.

Amelia

Swedish Chef: My husband and I have an agreement; I do the cooking and he does the clean-up. I clearly come out ahead in this arrangement. I like to cook and usually leave the kitchen looking like the Swedish Chef has been there. The fact that my husband knows both of these things and still does the clean-up either means he really loves me or really hates to cook.

The_Swedish_Chef

Thought Process as I’m About to Order Fast Food: Maybe I’ll just order a soda. I shouldn’t be eating this junk anyway. I am a little hungry. Maybe I could add a salad. That’s healthy. But French fries sound so good right now. What about a small fry? Yep, that’s what I’ll do. A Diet Coke and a small fry.

Pulling up to the drive-thru: ” I will have the Whopper with cheese, hold the onion. And let’s make that a large with a Diet Coke, thanks.”

Two Years: I will try almost anything for two years then give it up. This includes being a vegan, giving up caffeine, watching Glee, doing yoga, couponing, making my own laundry detergent, going to a Unitarian church, and living in Texas.

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