I Have a Weed Problem

I Have a Weed Problem

Boy, it feels good to finally say that! I’ve been trying to hide it – from my neighbors, friends, family. It’s embarrassing, after all. But I’ve been thinking about nothing but grass for weeks now. It’s been keeping me awake at night. “Grass, grass, grass. How can I get more grass?” I can’t take it any more. I need to share my weed problem with the world, and today just felt like the right day to clear the smoke from the room.

The problem started slowly – a little here, a little there, off in a dark corner. I thought I could keep it under control. But years have gone by and now the problem is getting out of hand- its long green fingers choking the life out of a once-vibrant existence.

A whole afternoon can go by where I just stare out the window, my eyes glassy, my mind in a fog. I feel tired and lazy. I should really be outside, doing more.

I never really worried about this stuff in college. Back then I was so carefree. “Whatever, man.” But now I’m an adult. I realize I have a responsibility to nip these kinds of things in the bud.You can’t just sit around all day on a Sunday feeding off a bulk bag of Costco chocolate chips, alternating between naps and Simpsons episodes. You have to stay on top of things. There is no such thing as a kind bud when you have a weed problem.

So that’s it! Its high time I did something about it! Tonight I’m going to throw on a pair of gardening gloves, get down on my hands and knees and rip that friggin’ creeping charlie out, roots and all! Dandelions? Gone, bitches! My grass WILL thrive this spring! I will make it my personal mission to have the best mother-flippin’ lawn on the block!

And when I’m done, I’m going to whip up a batch of my special brownies.

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